Summer Days & Good Chi

I'm hoping to put at least one piece of good energy on Tea Worthy per week.
I need it. Don't you?
The end is what gets me...

A List For Father's Day

Thank you Dad for being my Atticus, my Captain, my father, my friend. I think of you every time I see a boat, the Wall Street Journal, David Letterman, Sperry topsiders, Chevy Chase, my briefcase, freshly sharpened number 2 pencils, yellow legal pads, iced tea, Right Guard, DRY FEET, army green, blue sky and most of all, my daughter.

Thank you for teaching me how to skip stones on water, sail, argue, repair a clogged sink, approach a problem, take a photograph, drive a car, listen, fly a kite, tie my shoes, "have patience, have patience and not get in such a hurry," and so much more.

Lots of love.

Southern Belles with Babies & Briefcases

I went to law school with some tremendous, impressive women. Cerebral rock stars. There were more women than men in my class and they dominated the top of it. After graduation, many of them filled prestigious positions at big firms in the neighboring big city.

Five years after graduation, few of them remain in the practice of law. What is particularly interesting to me is that these women, most of them now mothers, have not left the workplace, they have just left the practice of law. It bothers me because, even on my most challenging days, I believe we need women in the law to effectuate positive change for women and families on a grassroots level.

I have read all of the books I can find on the bigger Mom/Work issue(s) (Naomi Wolfe's Misconceptions, Judith Warner's Perfect Madness, Daphne de Marneffe's Maternal Desire, and so on) and I am noticing that although these books are brilliant and well researched, they only identify the problems. I'm sure that brings comfort to many women who felt alone in the same way The Feminine Mystique helped an earlier generation. But, the books leave my most important questions unanswered. I don't want to just complain about pitfalls in the FMLA.

Generations of women before me have made sacrifices that have allowed me to be in my profession, so I can't complain. I feel terrible complaining about anything related to motherhood because I am blessed to have my daughter in my life.

My question is simply, how can we make the practice of law more accessible to parents and how can I be more efficient in managing the balance?

To try to answer those questions, I've been interviewing former classmates and women who I have litigated with and against, on the subject of how they are managing the work-life balance and why the law is particularly inflexible. The answers have been a fascinating look into the profession.

Rather than tell you what societal issues came up, I think it's better to focus on what is working for some of them. I'm hoping this can be part of a series and when I hear something helpful, I will pass it on.

The greatest piece of advice so far was from someone I had a case against in the past. I called her up and asked her to meet me for coffee one afternoon (her beautiful kids are 2 & 4) and she was so gracious with her time.

She said that she finally had to reconcile the fact that her own Southern upbringing --her definition of what it meant to be a wife and mother, her own expectations for herself in that regard-- and her current career demands are incongruous. Accepting that fact has really helped her.

For her, this came to a head when guests popped in unannounced after she had been in court all day and had just walked through the door to squeeze her kids. She was mortified. "I had to get over that the house was a mess and that there weren't cheese straws on the table and flowers and h'ors d'oevres. It's okay if those things only happen on special occasions."

She and I both want to have time to do those things: to make people in our lives feel special with the kind of the hospitality we've been raised is appropriate, but that our schedules won't permit it. Her guests could have cared less about the cheese straws, or their absence. Once she got that, she felt more free to live her life.

She said a million little things that resonated with me, but that story sort of personifies the inner bind we all feel about living up to our expectations for ourselves. I've read a lot of articles where people feel strangled by the cheese straw type of thing, (or whatever the cheese straw is for them) and that it's a burden put on them by society. I don't feel that way. Those are things I would like to do, there's just not enough time.

Last Christmas, I felt so overwhelmed. I wanted to do every cute felt, snow flake, mittens, cookie, cocoa, knitting, string popcorn, Christmas book, caroling activity in every kids magazine. I wanted to add new traditions for every part of every holiday. I finally realized that it wasn't that I had too much to do, it was that I was taking on too much. I wasn't making any choices. I have found some solace in knowing that I don't have to do every single thing all of the time. Some days there will be cheese straws and some days there will be cheese pizza.

My friend's practical survival tips:
1. Type up a list of birthdays and holidays for the year and keep them on you to work on year round. Keep the file on your computer to make changes as needed.
2. Have one area for clean laundry where you can close the door. This way, if you don't get everything folded and put away, the kids can go in and dig for clothes which they really enjoy.
3. Hire a babysitter some Saturday morning so that you can work on a house project that is draining your energy.
4. Re-evaluate how you are spending your time for each hour of the day. What's working, what's not. Re-group and make a new schedule.

More on this later...

Summer Movie Memories

We actually saw a film in a movie theater last Friday!

Going to the movies is the one relic of pre-parenthood that I miss the most. We do the same thing at home, but there's just something about buttered popcorn, the air conditioned darkness and holding on to my husband's arm that feels like a real date.

Our film selection was dictated by the start time (7 is too early with our daughter's schedule and is 10 too late) so that left us with the 7:45 show, Oceans 13. It was entertaining, but mostly I enjoyed the Soderbergh lenses and filters that made everything so beautiful, the blues more blue, the yellows almost gold. The film has the same glow that Casino Royale has during those gorgeous scenes of the Ocean Club's beaches in the Bahamas and Bond sailing into the Grand Canal in Venice.



Could anything be better? [BTW, I discovered the Bond boat was a 54 ft Spirit. Va bene!]

Summer movie magic is captured this month in the online New Yorker Summer Fiction Issue which features fiction writers like Jeffrey Eugenides, Dave Eggers and others sharing their real-life summer-movie memories. Both the essays and the graphic art in between the essays are worth a glance.

Complete Your Saturday Morning with Bunny Slippers

A quick plug for a Runaway Rabbit Creations and their adorable, comfy slippers.

This company started by two moms donates 10% of their profits benefit Gift of Adoption Fund, an organization which awards grants to qualified families who want to adopt. My daughter and I both have a pair and they are perfect. Order a size up for little ones. They run small.

Shutterfly, Get Ready

Just think- at this very moment, across the world, thousands of vacation photos are being taken that will become the family holiday card -- at the beach in white shirts and khakis, arm-in-arm in front of (fill-in-the-blank tourist attraction).

I love these cards. I look forward to them all year. It's an illness perpetuated by places like Papyrus and Tiny Prints, and all the other stationary dealers. But, I digress.

Here are a few amazing photographers with a refreshing, artistic approach to the family photo. How did man ever survive on Olan Mills alone?
My favorites:
Tara Whitney
Tosca Radigonda

Where Inspiration Lives

Today's New York Times has a fabulous article on Graham Greene in Capri that is reminiscent of Hemingway's Paris to Pamplona trek in The Sun Also Rises. Check it out before it goes to the archives.

The most inspiring thing about the article to me was Greene's philosophy on writing: "I have no talent. It's just a question of working, of being willing to put in the time.”

According to the article, his "bare whitewashed study" gave him just the Mediterranean solitude every writer dreams about. He set a minimum daily quota for himself of 350 words and claimed that he could accomplish more in 4 weeks there than he could in 6 elsewhere. Looking around at the Brio trains and crayons on my floor, I totally get that Graham.

Speaking of writing in solitude and inspiration, there's a new show on The Sundance Channel called Iconoclasts which partners two icons who discuss pivotal moments in their lives and careers. I've seen two episodes so far: Dave Chapelle and Maya Angelou, and Paul Simon and Loren Michaels. Both docu-style interviews were fascinating. Maya Angelou said that whereever she lives, she keeps a hotel room where she goes to write. Even in the sanctity of her peaceful Winston-Salem home, she needs to get away from the housekeeping.