Things I Didn't Know 24 Hours Ago

1. That we would wake up at 5 a.m. to the sounds of a large animal clawing in the wall.
2. That there are companies called things like "Wildlife Solutions" who will come to your house and tape up an open vent in the afternoon just to, "see what happens".
3. That at 11 p.m., the nocturnal animal would throw itself into the tape again and again until busting out.
4. That all of this would sound very similar to the sound effects engineered for the film Signs in those scenes where the aliens scurried along the roof as Joaquin tells the children, "run children, run!"
5. That said creature, a momma raccoon looking for a place to have her babies, would perch on our roof at midnight while we sprayed her with the hose and simulated cat hissing noises fashioned after the angry raccoon in Elf (who just needed a hug).
6. That according to the Wildlife guy, she'll be back around 4 or 5 a.m. tomorrow cause, "Yep. You can pretty much set your watch by a raccoon."
7. That I would be thinking about forging a stake-out, though I have no idea what I'll do once confronting her again if the other antics were unsuccessful.
8. That despite all the yard work we have done, we're still The Beales of Grey Gardens with raccoons and the cat and S-T-A-U-N-C-H and so on.
9. That my good-for-nothing pets, one of whom who wails all night on a regular basis, would pretend not to notice that a large animal is practically body bowling in the attic.

I just didn't know.